Monica Lewinsky: It’s Time TO TALK

I just watched this TED talk by Monica Lewinsky.

Best thing I’ve seen on the screen since I don’t know when.  It was compelling.
It made me cry, it made me smile, it made me feel sad, & really quite angry.  It also made me feel comforted & gave me hope.
Lucky for humanity that Monica decided to speak up.
What I liked: she has force without being forceful, she has honesty without over-sharing, she has conviction because she knows what the fuck she is talking about, uhm … she was there, right?!
She is talking about PUBLIC HUMILIATION & how MAXIMUM PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT is what sells in ‘society’ today.  Sells newspapers, sells magazines, sells TV shows, sells on social media, sells ‘news’.
She talks about the rise in BULLYING on social media & some of the devastating consequences as a result.  (My feeling is social media is just a more tangible barometer for measuring this behaviour & it’s results, but it is omnipresent.  Let’s be real, we are bullied by the system, this is what we have created.  We all just find our best way to make it work for us. #HumanInstinct #Survival)
She reached me,  I felt really touched … by my own shame & guilt, by my empathy & compassion, by the truth of it, this acceptance & mindlessness to buy into this crappy judgey behaviour, and the truth of the MENDACITY of it, is this TRULY how we want to be, what we want to be a part of?
I don’t want to believe that it is.
And yet as humans, we seem to be allowing it to exist. “NEWS”.  We feed it & support it & allow it to manipulate us, to the point where we have become blind to the possibility of another viewpoint, all the other possible viewpoints.
Desensitized to the suffering that the ‘newsworthy’ people might be feeling, whatever our judgement of their ‘crime’.  They are people not inanimate objects, they are our sisters & daughters & girlfriends & wives & mothers, our brothers & boyfriends & sons & fathers & husbands.

 They are you & me.  

Are they above faltering or making mistakes in their own lives?
Are they so perfect & wonderful & flawless?  I wonder how they would feel if the ins and outs of one of their personal disasters was made available to all to see!?
I think they too, are you & me.  
Hmmm …. digesting that … ?!
Yeah so this culture of public humiliation has reached saturation point, which means to live this way appears to be acceptable, normal even.  WTF?!

Yes please Monica – I want to be an ‘UPSTANDER’, I do not support or accept this ‘norm’.  Please friends, remind me when I fall victim to it.  And I will, I am not innocent either, but I WANT to be more mindful and not be a part of it.

IS THIS NOT a pathetic & ignorant way of life, to spend our precious time, reading about the fall or this person & judging on the deviance of that one.  Dividing and separating humanity, into the good & the bad, the moral & the immoral, maybe because it makes us feel a bit better about our own lives.  Is that not a very SMALL way to live?
She talks about the hook for selling most media being maximum public embarrassment. Is this not  BULLYING & CRUSHING & INHUMANE?
Are we not more evolved than this? Are we so above other people’s transgressions and violations?  Really?


My guess is WE DON’T KNOW.

So would not it benefit us more to get to know that?  Get to know who we are ourselves instead of knowing the ins & outs of so & so’s humiliating experience?  When we spend time reflecting on our own lives, experiences & choices, & looking at some of our own misdemeanors, or things we could have handled differently, does it not open us up, make us BIGGER more expansive humans, more ready to embrace our brothers & sisters in this life, & accept that they make mistakes? And maybe promote a more mindful existence, & remember that none of us are above making mistakes.  In fact it’s part of the human condition.

I don’t remember thinking too much about Monica Lewinsky, back in the day.  Or imagining what it must have been like for her.

That really shocks me.  

Soak: Sea Creatures … How great is she?!

I love making fresh almond milk.

And it’s creeping comfortably into my routine of late, I seem to be preparing fresh batches every few days.  And then I realised I could freeze it!

It’s really satisfying to drink.

And  so much creamier, and tastier than anything store bought.  Plus of course, it doesn’t have anything in it I don’t want, like crappy ‘vegetable’ oils, preservatives or the carcinogenic and inflammatory carageenan which are some common additives you’ll find in store bought packs.

Once you’ve separated the pulp from the milk, you can always add it to your breakfast cereal or smoothies, dry it out and store it in a jar to use as flour, but I wanted to make something else more solid with mine.

So the other day I made up these brownies and truffles with the left over almond pulp.

They are quite simply DELIGHTFUL, and what’s really handy about them is that they’re stored in the freezer, so they’re just sitting there waiting for you whenever you feel like something rich, sweet, and nutritious, and you don’t have to worry about keeping them fresh.

Their consistency straight from the freezer is surprisingly accessible – they’re cold – but not tooth-nervy cold, they’re firm but also sort of chewy.  

I’m thrilled with them!

This recipe makes up quite a lot of goodies – the quantity can be reduced accordingly, depending how much pulp you’ve got.  We go through quite a lot of almond milk, and I yielded approx. 30 brownies AND approx. 50 truffles, or maybe a little more?!

Now you can keep them plain, without adding any flavours to them for a pure chocolatey experience, but I’m a choc-orange and choc-mint fan, so I use these combos quite frequently …  you can add whatever flavours you love!  ‘Drop and try’ to find your desired taste – I used about 6 – 8 drops in this mix of each.

For a special occasion, some of you might even like to use Baileys or Kahlua or something like that?!  

I like to have a selection, so once the basic mix is blended, I separate it into little dishes and add the essences accordingly.
Medicine Flower

Medicine Flower Organic & Natural Flavours

I have a lovely collection of natural & organic food flavours, a brand called MEDICINE FLOWER, they are pure extractions without alcohol or additives.

But using a good quality 100% essential oil of orange or peppermint works too, and you can get them from your local herbalist/naturopath/healthfood store.  Quality oil and nothing less than 100% pure essential oil is best, maybe ask to check it’s food grade first, if you’re unsure.

I made my brownies plain with no flavours added, and the truffles using orange, and some more using mint essence.

These oils and essences might seem pricey, but you’re only using a few drops at a time so they last for ages.  I use them in smoothies and to flavour other foods, so it’s not just for one recipe!  (And you could even double up on their use by burning them in your oil burner to fragrance your home, or add to your bath if you so wish!)

 As I said, THIS MAKES A BIG BATCH.  Halve or quarter the ingredients if you need to, but remember they keep in the freezer so they won’t go off!


1.5 cups almond pulp (squeezed, dry to touch)

1.5 cups raw unsalted cashew nuts

3 cups pitted dates, rinsed, or 1.5 cups date paste.

15 tablespoons raw organic cacao powder

12 tablespoons dessicated coconut (no nasties added)

1/2 cup rice malt syrup

10 drops liquid stevia

3 tablespoons of coconut sugar syrup (optional- just if like me, you’ve got some in a jar in the fridge!)

1/4 teaspoon Celtic sea salt

1 teaspoon vanilla powder (if you didn’t use my date paste recipe above)

A few drops each of 100% essential oil of peppermint and/or orange – to your taste

Maybe some fresh or freeze-fried raspberries to prettify.


1. First place cashews in your food processor and process until they become small and turn to flour.

2. Add to the cashews, the date paste or dates & vanilla, process again until the mixture sticks together and the dates are well processed. (If you’re using dates, I like to squidge them as I throw them in, to be 100% sure there’s not one pit left in there!)

3. Add the remaining ingredients, and process again until the mixture turns a lovely dark chocolatey brown.  Stop processing before it gets too buttery.

4. Elect how much of your mixture you want to use as brownies and how much as truffles.

To Make My Bangin’ & Beauteous Brownies:

Decide if you’re going to add flavouring and add it here, mixing it in well, in separate bowls if making a selection, or perhaps keeping them just a chocolatey affair.  

Empty & scrape the mixture into a brownie dish or cake/oven pan that’s been lined with parchment paper and press down very firmly using your clean hands.

Place this raw almond pulp fudgey brownie mix into the freezer for at least one hour.

I like to slice mine up, sprinkle with chopped almonds, pistachios, or freeze-dried raspberries and keep them in sealed containers in the freezer ready at a moment’s notice for gob-popping!

Always keep them in the freezer to preserve and to retain their consistency.

To Make My Triumphant Truffles:

Add your flavouring if using.

Roll them into small balls (they are quite rich), I like to use gloves if I’m making balls for entertaining, it’s just polite really,  isn’t it?!

Roll the balls in chopped nuts or desiccated coconut or BOTH! and freeze!

Et Voilá … they’re the bomb!


Brownie Tray Lilapuds

Lay Brownie Mix On A Parchmented Dish & Freeze!


My Raw Chocolate Brownies & Truffles Recipe

Give them a whirl and tell me how you go!  

Hope you love them,

Lila, xo

Devastating Realité In Mali

Toumani & Siddiki Diabate & Me!

Today I met these LEGENDS!  Toumani Diabaté & his son and apprentice, Siddiki Diabaté.  

They play tonight in Sydney’s City Recital Hall.  Don’t miss it if you have a chance to attend, they are simply superb.

And I’m so glad to see that they are still playing and continuing the centuries old tradition despite what some Islamist group tried to do to music in Mali a few years ago …. Which I’ve reposted below.

Incredible what can happen in this crazy world.  We must keep fighting for good, hey?! …


Here’s the original Lilapud Post dated March 2013:

I came across this article in The Guardian a while ago ….

I am a huge fan of Amadou and Mariam, and Toumani Diabaté, and have experienced their joyful and wondrous offerings live here in Sydney, this is definitely not something that should be shut up.

Mali music ban by Islamists ‘crushing culture to impose rule’

Rebels’ clampdown on live performances, from Amadou and Mariam to Tinariwen, is driving music underground

by Robin Denselow

The Guardian

Tinariwen band performing, Johannesburg

Mali music … Tinariwen performing in Soweto, Johannesburg, in 2010. Photograph: Jon Hrusa/EPA

Nowhere does music have a greater social and political importance than in the vast desert state of Mali. It is shocking, therefore, that it has been banned across much of the two-thirds of Mali currently controlled by Islamic rebel groups.

As “Manny” Ansar, the director of the country’s celebrated Festival in the Desert, which has now been forced out of the country, explained: “Music is important as a daily event. It’s not just a business, for it’s through our music that we know history and our own identity. Our elders gave us lessons through music. It’s through music that we declare love and get married – and we criticise and make comments on the people around us.”

 Click here to view video

Malian musicians have become household names in the west. The list is remarkable, from the late Ali Farka Touré to the soulful Salif Keita, from Toumani Diabaté, the world’s finest exponent of the kora, to the bravely experimental Rokia Traoré. Then there’s the rousing desert blues of Tinariwen, who have performed alongside the Rolling Stones.

There is the passionate social commentary of Oumou Sangaré, and the rousing, commercially successful African pop fusion of Amadou & Mariam.

These musicians, with varied, distinctive styles, have educated western audiences about Africa and their country’s ancient civilisation, and the way in which traditional families of musicians, the griots, had acted as advisers to the rulers and guardians of the country’s history, and kept alive an oral tradition for generation after generation.

And yet the Islamic rebel groups are trying to wipe out this ancient culture – and in the process have forced Malian musicians to examine the role they should now play.

Ansar said he was “ashamed at what has happened has happened – and it was provoked by people who call themselves Muslims, like me”.

When I met him at a censorship conference in Oslo, he said the militias were stopping the music “to impose their authority, so there’s nothing to threaten them”. He added: “That’s why they are attacking the traditional chiefs and musicians. And they’re using concepts of Islam that are 14 centuries old and have never been applied. I find it strange that these ideas are being imposed now. It’s as if they took a computer and wiped the hard drive, and then imposed their ideas instead.”

Click here to view video

The situation is particularly painful for musicians from the north of Mali, for bands such as Tinariwen from the nomadic Touareg or Kel Tamashek people, whose international popularity has been helped for the last 12 years by the Festival in the Desert.

There have been upheavals in the region in the past, including a huge rebellion in 1990, when Tamashek fighters turned against the Malian government, demanding greater autonomy, a right to defend and support their culture, and even demands for a new country, Azawad.

It seemed at first that the latest rebellion, now a year old, might follow a similar pattern, yet it splintered and changed course, and Islamic groups took over from the nationalists, partly because the former nationalist leader Iyad Ag Ghali (whose songs were once covered by Tinariwen) has now converted to a more extreme form of Islam.

Click here to view video

Tinariwen are currently back in northern Mali, or living in exile in southern Algeria, but when they played in London last year, guitarist and bass player Eyadou Ag Leche talked of their problems since the Islamists took over the north.

Young people have been stopped from listening to music and families have had their televisions smashed for watching music shows, but music was still being played “underground”, he said.

As for the Islamists, he said that he “didn’t know where these people had come from”, and suggested they were financed through Qatar.

Other bands from the rebel areas reported similar problems. Pino Ibrahim ag Ahmed, of Terakaft, said he had been forced into exile in Algeria and “lost much of his land”. He said: “I don’t know these groups, or what they want, and it’s dangerous moving around.” But he was determined to keep playing.

In the Malian capital, Bamako, outside the rebel-controlled area, musicians are also determined to keep working, but face different problems.

Bassekou Kouyate, the world’s leading n’goni player, said that musicians in the city are unable to work at the moment as clubs have been closed, all public concerts have been postponed, there are very few weddings taking place, and “even the concert in honour of the great balafon player Kélétigui Diabaté, who died recently, has been cancelled”.

He said: “The government is nervous and afraid of terrorist attacks on public gatherings. They are asking everyone to wait until the situation in the north has calmed down.”

But he and his wife, the singer Amy Sacko, did take part in a national television programme, along with Oumou Sangaré, in which they “all sang against all forms of sharia law”.

Click here to view video

Asked about the French military involvement, he said “they have saved Africa. They have saved Mali from the Islamists. I am going to buy a French flag to put in front of my house, to say thank you. That is how us Malians feel now”.

In another musical unity project, the singer Fatoumata Diawara has just finished a new song and video, Peace, which will be quickly released in Bamako on Thursday. The aim, she said was to promote peace and “show that not all Touaregs want an independent state in the north – we want one Mali”.

Touareg musicians appear on the song, as part of an extraordinary 45-strong cast that features 13 musicians, including Toumani Diabaté and guitar hero Djelimady Tounkara, and 29 singers, including Sangaré, Amadou & Mariam and Ivory Coast reggae artist Tiken Jah Fakoly. “There has never been anything like this in Mali,” she said. “The political situation is bad so it’s time for the musicians to come together.” She also agreed with Bassekou that “people are happy” about the French military involvement.

Outside Mali, other musicians are involved in an international campaign to promote the culture of their battered country. Rokia Traoré, arguably the most adventurous female singer in Africa, is currently on tour in Australia. She explains: “I can just keep going and doing the best in my work, to try to make people think good things about Mali and see good things from Mali.”

There will no doubt be similar sentiments expressed in London and Glasgow on 26 and 27 January when three Malian artists appear together at the Sahara Soul concerts, at which Bassekou Kouyaté will be joined by the young Tamashek band Tamikrest, seen as a younger answer to Tinariwen, and Sidi Touré, a griot from the ancient city of Gao, currently under rebel control.

When those shows are over, Kouyaté heads back to Mali for further events, which will only take place if security allows. A major festival in his home town of Ségou is to be followed by an appearance at the Evening for Peace and National Unity in Bamako, organised by Oumou Sangaré.

Both events will also feature musicians who are also taking part in a two-pronged Caravan of Artists for Peace and National Unity, which will travel around west Africa next month, ending up in the town of Oursi in the neighbouring state of Burkino-Faso.

It’s here that Ansar is hosting his 13th Festival in the Desert, now being staged in exile.

“The brutal sound of weapons and the cries of intolerance are not able to silence the singing of the griots,” he said. “The Festival in the Desert must survive all this.”

• Sahara Soul is at the Barbican, London, on 26 January and Glasgow Royal Concert Hall ( on 27 January.


Did I mention I love Amadou and Mariam?!


Love An Aul Protest Song!

Nonviolent Communication

Here’s where I’m at … running alongside to everything else I’m doing right now, I have this in my ear … Nonviolent Communication, the audiobook, and I’m loving it.

It is so helpful, interesting and USEFUL … I’m hoping that soon I will be making more time to contribute to my blog, but for now, I thought I would share this as a quickie, and would love to hear any feedback you have.

If you’re interested in improving your relationships in life, whether its with your lover, or your workmates, your children or your mother, or your relationship with YOURSELF … whoever! … If you’re open and ready, and willing to put in the work, this will change your life!!


Wishing you enrichment too!

Love Lila, xo

Lisa Mitchell.

I love her voice, and I’m CRAZY about this Like A Version cover, can’t stop listening to it over and over!

Compassion and Empathy

Compassion and empathy are often confused, and used interchangeably in that confusion.

A term floating around of late that you may have heard is ‘COMPASSION FATIGUE’, and from the compassion training course I did with Margaret Cullen and Dr. Erika Rosenberg of Stanford University, and attending a separate and wonderful talk by Dr. James Doty, I learned this, what I am about to and would like to share … I think I’ve got it correct to say:

Compassion is the recognising of the suffering of others, and it usually involves an emotional response in the witness, along with the desire to help or alleviate this suffering.

Empathy, as characterised by researchers, is the intuitive or emotional experience of another person’s emotions or feelings. For example, when you might cry when a friend tells you their story which is very sad – this is empathy.


Now if you have heard the term COMPASSION FATIGUE, which is used to describe a type of ‘burn out’, experienced by people in the healing industry, for example: counsellors, nurses and psychologists etc, you might choose to remember that compassion is not the thing that fatigues us, it is in fact an unhealthy and/or inappropriate application of empathy that wears us out.

And you don’t have to be a professional to experience this.  You might be the best friend that’s sworn to secrecy, and listens to all the problems of a friend, and about the suffering they endure, and perhaps you are then left with the residue of these sufferings, even though they are your friend’s experiences not your own.

I guess the reason I raise it, is because I heard it being used today, and I’m not sure I made as eloquent a response as I would have liked.  I feel I pointed out the difference in a way that looked like I was correcting the person and under the circumstances that was inappropriate and unsophisticated of me. That person may never see this but if nothing else, me writing it down here, is at least a practice for me to articulate what I feel is important to raise on the topic.  

And maybe at the same time I can bring some awareness about the importance of us continuing to practice compassion, without fear of fatigue.

Research suggests that teenagers are experiencing more depression and anxiety than they did a decade or more ago, with doctors reporting an escalation in the most severe cases.  One of the symptoms experienced, when people become depressed, and experience anxiety, is a sense of isolation.  A sense of having no one to talk to, a perception that nobody will understand, and a sense of guilt for the flat (at the very least) feelings these conditions bring.  And so it can create a vicious circle.

This is just one example of why it is important for me to keep practising compassion.  

Do we not, in these times of increased depression and anxiety, need to heighten our awareness of those around us, of those who may feel lonely or isolated, of those in need?  If you don’t think so, then what about this:  if the incidence of depression and anxiety is increasing so much, then is it not probable that it could be you experiencing this, or your child, or someone you love or care about?  Would you want them to experience these feelings of despair, and feel so all alone?

It really is a practice.

The pace of life seems to be getting busier and more frantic day by day, it is so EASY for us to say, I don’t have time to worry about others, or spend hours listening to so and so’s problems, I’ve got my own family to worry about, and that’s ok … I think a lot of people would like to be able to help but just can’t find the time that is required.  It’s understandable, it’s just the way things seem to be …

Image via

Image via

However, I just wonder that as humans, if we can really afford not to keep practising compassion.  

This is not just me being all ‘let’s-all-live-in-love-and-peace-like’!

Charles Darwin described how natural selection favoured the evolution of compassion, regardless of what originally motivated such behaviour;

Practising compassion is necessary for the human race to survive!

Even if we ourselves don’t have time or space or ability to practice the EMPATHY that may be required to help someone else, at least having the awareness that they are in need is a starting point.  Perhaps we can work in groups to work out ways to help.  Hell, maybe we could just say good morning when we pass them in the street, or pay for their coffee anonymously, which doesn’t cost much – in either time or money, but surely there will be SOMETHING we each can do, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, to make a little difference in that person’s world.  

Maybe it’s just about becoming a little bit more conscious of those around us.  That is where the seeds of compassion can grow.

So you see, it’s not the compassion we need to temper, for some of us it is the empathy.

As such, maybe let’s not continue to use the term compassion-fatigue anymore, because compassion is the seed we want to grow!

Whilst some of us are gifted, overqualified and overworked in the empathy department, that is a separate issue.  To label that compassion-fatigue may have disastrous effects for humanity!  

Learning how to draw boundaries on our levels of empathy, is vital to counter-act EMPATHY-FATIGUE.

I will be outlining some of those in a future post.  But for now, I just wanted to point out the basic difference between compassion and empathy, to encourage the practice of compassion, and to highlight the idea of empathy-fatigue over compassion-fatigue.

Because when I ask myself the questions:

Can we really over-practice compassion?

Is it likely we’ll get burnt-out emotionally or otherwise, by practising having awareness of a work-mate’s needs, or sensing disappointment in the girl who takes my coffee order every morning, or wondering what kind of a day the bus-driver’s having?

Is it helpful to me as a human in this world, where everyone and everything is connected, to cultivate a sense of separation from others, the inability to read the expression of those around me?  

I come back to the word I don’t like to consciously use too much!  –



Compassion is just noticing, just a consciousness, an awareness, that step BEFORE having to actually DO anything.  Yes, it IS a verb, it’s a practice, perhaps it takes a discipline to cultivate it, but can this really wear us out?


Once we are practising compassion, we need to be mindful how and when we apply empathy.

But let’s keep cultivating our compassion, after all, someday it will probably come back to us.



25 Things Skilled Learners Do Differently

Image via InformEd

What an interesting article!  Not just for academic students … but also for students of life!

If you’re interested in learning and growing as a human, then I think this provides fab tips!  And I see so many YOGIC correlations, which of course I like!

The article is taken from the fabulous InformEd and starts off like this :

“Imagine for a moment that all human beings had the same IQ, but that some of us knew how to tap into it better than others. How would we approach education differently?

For starters, we wouldn’t have to concern ourselves nearly as much with boosting students’ academic confidence. If a student knows she has the same capacity to succeed as her fellow learners, then she’ll be less likely to give up or drop out. In a similar vein, students would view test scores not as measures of self worth, but as evaluations of a chosen learning strategy. When Johnny sees that, despite his best efforts, he scored twenty points lower on the biology exam than Sally, he thinks, “I’m approaching this the wrong way” rather than, “She’s smarter than me.” And he then goes on to improve his memorization technique or ask more questions during the next unit.

The thing is, this “imagined” scenario isn’t far from reality. Human intelligence isn’t all that variable. For example, on the IQ scale, about 2 out of 3 scores fall between 85 and 115, and about 19 out of 20 scores fall between 70 and 130. Put another way, only 1 out of 20 scores differs from the average IQ (100) by more than 30 points.

What does vary–and widely, at that–are learning strategies. Many of us approach a concept with the same potential to learn it, but it only ends up sticking for some of us. Why is this?

Psychology offers several explanations. For instance, we know that the brain responds better to spaced practice than it does to cramming (at least in the long term), forced recall instead of review (quizzing yourself rather than re-reading material), and associative rather than isolated memorization (e.g. mneumonics).

We also know that people who think about their own learning, make a habit of asking questions, use what they’ve learned, teach what they’ve learned to others, and enjoy the learning process on an intrinsic level all become better learners.

The good news is, these are all strategies and habits that can be adopted through practice. Why some of us master them earlier than others is another topic, one that may have something to do with parenting, environment, and even genetics. But the point is, we’re all capable. The smartest, most successful people in the world wouldn’t be where they are today if they weren’t skilled learners. So let’s examine which strategies we should be perfecting and how they can serve us in the long run.”

Read the 25 Things Skilled Learners Do Differently HERE

True Love

A beautiful friend just sent me this fabulous piece of dialogue, between Ekhart Tolle and his partner Kim Eng.  A few of us will be attending a Mediation and Yoga workshop with Kim, that’s coming up in November here in Bondi.

It’s possible you might find parts of what he is talking about difficult to grasp … don’t give up, it is such beautiful truth, but I guess it takes a lot of work for us to be able to see it … and more to BE it!  But oh, such satisfying work!

CLICK HERE – THIS MIGHT HELP … I have  a limited number of DVDs of Eckharte Tolle “Awakening In The Now“, with 50% slashed off!   It is such a pleasure to sit and listen to what he has to say, and will go a long way to expanding your mind and your consciousness, I find it is such a huge help in the practice of living life with less suffering.  Personally, I find his teachings, comforting and exciting at the same time.  Mind blowing really!

I do not own this material.  This is from Eckhart Tolle’s Site.

Below I have taken his contribution to the dialogue for you to read at a glance.

Eckhart Tolle:

What is conventionally called “love” is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You are looking to someone to give you that which can only come to you in the state of surrender. The ego uses that person as a substitute to avoid having to surrender.

The Spanish language is the most honest in this respect. It uses the same verb, te quiero, for “I love you” and “I want you.”

To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related. These are facets of an underlying deep seated feeling in human beings that is inseparable from the egoic state.

When the ego singles something out and says “I love” this or that, it’s an unconscious attempt to cover up or remove the deep-seated feelings that always accompany the ego: the discontent, the unhappiness, the sense of insufficiency that is so familiar.  For a little while, the illusion actually works.  Then inevitably, at some point, the person you singled out, or made special in your eyes, fails to function as a cover up for your pain, hate, discontent or unhappiness which all have their origin in that sense of insufficiency and incompleteness.

Then, out comes the feeling that was covered up, and it gets projected onto the person that had been singled out and made special – who you thought would ultimately “save you.”

Suddenly love turns to hate.

The ego doesn’t realize that the hatred is a projection of the universal pain that you feel inside.  The ego believes that this person is causing the pain.  It doesn’t realize that the pain is the universal feeling of not being connected with the deeper level of your being – not being at one with yourself.

The object of love is interchangeable, as interchangeable as the object of egoic wanting.  Some people go through many relationships.  They fall in love and out of love many times.  They love a person for a while until it doesn’t work anymore, because no person can permanently cover up that pain.

Only surrender can give you what you were looking for in the object of your love.

The ego says surrender is not necessary because I love this person.  It’s an unconscious process of course.  The moment you accept completely what is, something inside you emerges that had been covered up by egoic wanting.  It is an innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness.  It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence.  It is what you had been looking for in the love object.  It is yourself.  When that happens, a completely different kind of love is present which is not subject to love / hate.  It doesn’t single out one thing or person as special.  It’s absurd to even use the same word for it.

Now it can happen that even in a normal love / hate relationship, occasionally, you enter the state of surrender.  Temporarily, briefly, it happens: you experience a deeper universal love and a complete acceptance that can sometimes shine through, even in an otherwise egoic relationship.  If surrender is not sustained, however, it gets covered up again with the old egoic patterns.  So, I’m not saying that the deeper, true love cannot be present occasionally, even in a normal love / hate relationship.  But it is rare and usually short-lived.

Whenever you accept what is, something deeper emerges than what is.  So, you can be trapped in the most painful dilemma, external or internal, the most painful feelings or situation, and the moment you accept what is, you go beyond it, you transcend it.  Even if you feel hatred, the moment you accept that this is what you feel, you transcend it.  It may still be there, but suddenly you are at a deeper place where it doesn’t matter that much anymore.

The entire phenomenal universe exists because of the tension between the opposites.  Hot and cold, growth and decay, gain and loss, success and failure, the polarities that are part of existence, and of course part of every relationship.

Kim Eng: Then it’s correct to say, we can never get rid of the polarities?

ET: We cannot get rid of polarities on the level of form.  However, you can transcend the polarities through surrender.  You are then in touch with a deeper place within yourself where, as it were, the polarities no longer exist.  They continue to exist on the outer level.  However, even there, something changes in the way in which the polarities manifest in your life when you are in a state of acceptance or surrender.  The polarities manifest in a more benign and gentle way.

The more unconscious you are, the more you are identified with form.  The essence of unconsciousness is this: identification with form, whether it is an external form (a situation, place, event or experience), a thought form or an emotion.  The more attached to form, the more unsurrendered you are, and the more extreme, violent or harsh your experience of the polarities becomes.  There are people on this planet who live virtually in hell and on the same planet there are others who live a relatively peaceful life.  The ones who are at peace inside will still experience the polarities, but in a much more benign way, not the extreme way in which many humans still experience them.  So, the way in which the polarities are experienced does change.  The polarities themselves cannot be removed, but one could say, the whole universe becomes somewhat more benevolent.  It’s no longer so threatening.  The world is no longer perceived as hostile, which is how the ego perceives it.

KE: If awakening or living a life in an awakened state does not change the natural order of things, duality, the tension between the opposites, what does living a life in the awakened state do?  Does it affect the world, or only one’s subjective experience of the world?


When you live in surrender, something comes through you into the world of duality that is not of this world.

KE: Does that actually change the outer world?

ET: Internal and external are ultimately one.  When you no longer perceive the world as hostile, there is no more fear, and when there is no more fear, you think, speak and act differently.  

Love and compassion arise, and they affect the world.

Even if you find yourself in a conflict situation, there is an outflow of peace into the polarities.  So then, something does change.  There are some teachers or teachings that say, nothing changes.  That is not the case.  Something very important does change.  That which is beyond form shines through the form, the eternal shines through the form into this world of form.

KE: Is it right to say that it is your lack of “reaction against,” your acceptance of the opposites of this world, that brings about changes in the way the opposites manifest?

ET: Yes.  The opposites continue to happen, but they are not fueled by you anymore.  What you said is a very important point: the “lack of reaction” means that the polarities are not fueled.  This means, you often experience a collapse of the polarities, such as in conflict situations.  No person, no situation is made into an “enemy.”

KE: So, the opposites, instead of becoming strengthened, become weakened.  And perhaps this is how they begin to dissolve.

ET: That’s right.  Living in that way is the beginning of the end of the world.


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                                               Love Li xo